Im aching

I am 4 days late. Feelings of excitement and anxiousness cloud my head but are quickly suppressed as I remember the clear single stripe that appeared on the pregnancy test the day before. Too many times I have walked this road, too many times praying that it doesn’t come but like clockwork my body ignores my plea.

5 Days late and the reality of the negative pregnancy test fades further into the back of my mind and is replaced with thoughts of blue and pink baby blankets, crochet baby booties, baby sick and baby giggles. I start thinking about how I would tell my husband the great news, how thrilled he would be, how happy and proud I would make him. I think about how my tummy will grow, how I would have an excuse for being overweight, how my body will change and how I will hold and rub my baby bump as they do on the movies. I would start to love this small being the very moment I found out I was pregnant and read and talk to it and all would be good in the world.

I wake up with the urge to go to the toilet. I am half asleep but awake enough to be aware that I have no sign of my period as I pull down my panties and have a wee. Relieved, only for a second at the site of a unmarked panty liner. I wipe and check once more for reassurance and there it is, the red on our three ply toilet paper. I am now very awake and call out to Tony, the only person I want to share my feeling of failure with, the only person who will understand. I wipe my eyes as salty tears run down my cheeks and check the toilet paper again just to make sure that it wasn’t the print of the butterfly toilet paper showing through.

Tony is standing in the bathroom door, my heart sinks as I see the sadness in his soft blue eyes. I let go, not even making an attempt to hold back my tears. Melvyn as gentle and loving as always, holds me and tells me it’s going to be okay.

I wearily get back into bed and ask Tony to hold me tight.

And he does.

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